Where's The Happily Ever After?
by BonesFABERRY
Summary: She can hear and see him everywhere she goes. She can't stand it anymore. There's only one way out, or so she thinks. Can somebody save her? Or is she doomed from the start? Eventual Rizzles. TW: Mentions of suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?) and all that jazz.
1. A shot to kill the pain

**Hello my friends, I have to warn you that this fic is going to be sad, a little angsty with a spoonful of drama and if you behave -winks- maybe (key word maybe) there could be a happily ever after. The pairing's going to be Rizzles, it's going to be a really long and painful way to get there, but we'll get there one way or another. I really hope you like, I wrote this with help of my friends (Ana Paula, Evely and Pilar) as a school project, basing it in a picture that had this quote (?) "****A shot to kill the pain.****A pill to drain the shame.****A purge to stop the gain. ****A cut to break the vein. ****A smoke to ease the crave. ****A drink to win the game. ****An addiction's an addiction…****Because it always hurts the same." I hope you get the drill and that you enjoyed. **

**TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?) and yeah.**

**PS: This is my first Rizzles fic (kind of)**

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_**A shot to kill the pain**_

My hands tremble. They shake from the pain and the fear.

Is it going to end like this?

Is it really going to be over?

_You are a coward_. _You have so much to live for. I love you._

I hear the voices of people that don't get what I've been through, what I've survived; they don't get that those who claim to love me always leave me after realizing that I'm just a burden.

They don't get that this is the only way to stop the pain; they just don't care to get it.

They don't get that after all, I'm all alone; that I'm not going to leave anything or _anyone_ important behind.

For a brief moment my mind begins to wander and I think of Maura, the colleague turned (best) friend…kind of.

I think of the dimples that form when she smiles, the way she rambles about random facts, the inner child inside of her that resurfaces every once in a while, the way she bits her lip when she'd thinking really hard and how more often than not I wonder how they would feel against mi-

I shake my head, thinking of how it'd be impossible, how she wouldn't want to be with some that is so _broken_and with so many scars left by everyone else that has come into my life; instead of thinking of how much it would hurt her to be the one called to my house because they found a body.

I can imagine how that would work out, maybe she'd be in her couch reading a medical journal while pretending to watch some documentary or maybe feeding Bass those British strawberries he seems to be fond of after a long day in the precinct, telling him how her they went before pouring herself a glass of wine; her phone would ring and she would answer in her most professional voice.

"Dr. Isles" she'd say before running franticly out of the house, tears running down her face before getting in her car, taking a deep breath while trying to calm herself and whispering "It can't be true, I just saw her a few hours ago" her mind running wild with different scenarios of what had happened.

_Was it Hoyt? No, it couldn't be, he's dead. Maybe he had another apprentice. What about all those killers she has put behind bars? Were they looking for revenge? What if someone was killed in her apartment as a warning, it could happen, right? Maybe she fell down or hurt herself and is refusing medical help so they had to call me._

She'd do something she'd never do in different circumstances, I can imagine her speeding down the streets of Boston –breaking a few laws in the way- and praying to God for my wellbeing.

Once outside my apartment, she would be able to recall how was she able to get in her in such a short time, she'd notice the yellow tape signaling that this was a (crime) scene of some sorts and race to my room, where she'd fine my lifeless body clutching a note that says 'I'm Sorry'

She'd try to revive me, do something to prove that it was a really bad joke and that I'd open my eyes and laugh at her for believing that I'd take my life, but my eyes won't open and she'd realize that it was true, I was dead.

"How could you do this to me? To us?" she'd yell, tears running down her face.

Maybe one of the officer would pull her of my body, struggling because she'd put on a fight.

I don't dare to dwell on it more or think about how my family (Frost and Korsak included) would react.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Sweat and tears run down my face, through my lips, making me taste my salty frustration.

"_It's time Janie"_ I hear him whisper in my ear, my hold on the gun tightens.

"_We're going to be together again Jane… you belong with me"_ he laughs and a chill runs down my spine.

His voice and the chill are something that keeps me from doing it.

_I don't want to be with him, I want Maura- _

I keep sobbing on the bathroom floor, my breathing becomes heavier but I'm not strong enough to stop breathing, I know I could never kill what was growing inside me.

_-but I know I could never have her _

"Take deep breaths Jane" I can her Maura's voice in my mind "He's not here, he's dead. You killed him remember? You saved me" I can hear her smile, like all those times she has done it after I had those terrible nightmares that still keep me awake, those same nightmares that I kept from her and are pushing me to this.

To finish what he started.

_He isn't really here. They're all gone. You're all alone._

I see his face; he's standing in front of me.

Mocking me and staring me down.

I'm not really in the mood anymore for his tempestuous personality.

I don't really want to shout at him, I'm not strong enough.

But anger posses me-

Images of Maura being touched by that asshole, running a scalpel up and down her neck, smiling wickedly at me, playing with my emotions and getting off with the fact that I love Maura (that I'm in love with her)

-it gets really bad.

But after a few moments it stops…

I'm so sorry Maura, I'm sorry I never told you how I feel about you, I'm sorry for not getting to wake up in your arms every morning and falling sleep in them every night, for not kissing your lips every single time you look like you want to be kissed, for those missing dinners and the family we'll never have.

I'm sorry for lying to you every time you asked me if I was okay, for saying Bass was a turtle because I love when you correct me saying he's a tortoise, for watching a baseball game instead of watching those foreign films you seem to like.

I put the gun against my temple, but I don't pull the trigger…I'm not going to do it, yet.

Closing my eyes, my mind invokes your face like it does every other day.

The phone rings…

…I'm sorry.

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**Hope you liked it, see you soon.**

**(Follow me on Tumblr for updates and spoilers of some kind [another-shipper . tumblr. com])**

***I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters)**


	2. A pill to drain the shame

**So, all the mistakes are mine and all that jazz, I really want to thank you guys -the ones that take the time to read this, follow it, and review it, I really appreciate it and it warms my heart :) Here's the next chapter.**

******TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?) and yeah.  
*I don't own Rizzoli & Isles, if I did, Maura would be married to Jane.**

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_**A pill to drain the shame**_

I am sitting on my couch, Maura sleeping like a log on my bedroom like she's been doing since she found me with my gun in hand, aiming at my heart.

Being so distracted by my thoughts, trying to find the courage to finish what I started, I didn't hear my phone ring and a few seconds later Maura entering my apartment, phone in hand and shaking in (what I later got to know) fear.

She burst into my room and let out a strangled gasp followed by a "Jane!" that made me drop the gun. No harm was done to any of us, just my wall.

Maura hugged me closely to her trembling body after she slapped me hard –she packs a really big slap- which brought tears to her face, letting out incontrollable sobs tangled with some mumbled sentences that included "thought I had lost you", "don't ever try this again", "you're my best friend" and "my life would be empty without you", sentences that made my heart leap of happiness and break at the same time.

After that night, Maura hasn't left my house in two weeks, five days, thirteen hours and-

I glance at the clock.

-twenty seven minutes.

Yes, I have been counting.

I don't know if I feel happy (and maybe…_maybe_, loved) that she's here or sad and frustrated that I can't try to kill myself because Maura took all my guns, knives, and everything she considered harmful or dangerous if they ended in my hands; packed them on an old bag I forgot I had and gave it to Rory –an old family friend of hers- when he dropped by to give Maura a few suitcases full of clothes and stuff she needed.

After Rory left, she asked me (more like demanded me to answer) all kinds of questions that went from "How could you do this?" and "Are you aware of the emotional pain that your dead would have inflicted in not only your family, but your friends and people that love you?" I scoffed when she mentioned the l-word, which she didn't hear or decided to ignore it before launching in a full (and boring) explanation of things that were related with suicide, PTSD, family, low self-esteem, among others that I can't recall because I zoned out.

I recognized that she was nervous, which made her rant about random facts and immersing in scientific explanations of everything she could think of.

When she was done talking, she refused to leave my side; sleeping with me and making sure that I never left her side to try and do something stupid.

Her words, not mine.

At first it was kind of cute, her worrying about me and making sure I had everything I needed, it almost made me change my mind. _Almost_.

But now it's so frustrating, not being able to do what I want, when I want and how I want it.

There's always a "Jane don't do this", "Jane you have to eat this instead of that", "Jane you can't be alone", "Jane I'm not leaving until I'm a hundred percent sure you're okay", "Jane you need to talk to your mother/brothers/partners"

I was sick of it, but I never complained.

The things one does for love, huh?

Twenty nine minutes.

I have been sitting in this damn couch for twenty nine minutes, trying to find a way to…

To…

I don't even know the words, I can't even explain the amount of anger that I feel.

I'm angry at Maura for saving me.

But, at the same time I'm ashamed of myself.

_How could I do this to Maura?_, I think while putting my head in my hands.

Everything was easier when she wasn't here; her life would be so much better if I wasn't here.

"You can't think like that Jane, you're my best friend and I love you" I can hear Maura's voice in my mind.

"_But I love you too, Jane"_

That's Hoyt's voice, he's here again.

I freeze.

He hasn't been here since that night.

Two weeks, five days, thirteen hours and thirty-one minutes ago.

"Think of something else Jane" I mumble to myself, only hearing my breathing and being slave of emptiness, finally recognizing what I've been denying through all my existence: all this time my happiness has being nothing more than a vile illusion.

The reality is that I'm prisoner of my own thoughts, memories, of who I am…

It feels good to recognize it.

I think a weight has been lifted off my shoulders by recognizing with assertiveness that my whole life, and everything that has happened along the way, was fault of my curse and at the same time my blessing.

I get up from the couch, trying to not make any noise that could wake Maura from her slumber.

I am gone, possessed.

I realize it by the heavy sound of my footsteps- or so they seem that way, I don't know anymore.

My body moves at its own accord, I can't control it anymore.

I leave it to do what it pleases, depriving myself from liberty; it was the drop that spilled the cup: being prisoner of not only my mind, but of my body too.

Should I ask for help? The answer was and will always be no, lots of people have tried to be that hero to save me from the abysm-to keep me from drowning- but no one has achieved it, they just manage to make me drown a little more.

Everyone but Maura, Maura is that ray of sunshine that manages to warm my stone cold heart; but even Maura can't pull me out of this _thing_ that makes my thoughts run wild, that makes me like a puppet that can be easily controlled, if the right words are said and the right actions are made.

Every time I think about it, I get to the conclusion that it's the only way I can be saved from this living hell, from my stupid mind.

My body comes to a halt.

I realize I'm in the kitchen.

I blink.

What am I doing here?

I walk without hesitation to the shelf- _the shelf of salvation_- where I can gather what I need to shut up that voice in my head- _my own voice, Hoyt's voice, our voices being just one_- so I can stop those thoughts that swim around it with freedom, to stop the pain.

I open it- the orange bottle where the doctor's letter is predominant- and I look at it, but my eyes are blurry.

After a few moments, I realize that the blurriness is caused by my own tears that are rolling slowly down my cheeks.

I open the bottle.

I open my mouth.

I close my eyes.

Everything is silent.

Everything is dark.

Everything has stopped.


	3. A purge to stop the gain

**Hey guys, thank you for following and reading this story. I hope you've been liking it so far, and as you can see I'm updating once a week -yay me- so here's the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

******All the mistakes are mine and all that jazz**

******TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?), eating disorders (?), addiction, and yeah.**

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_**A purge to stop the gain**_

Breathe in. Breathe out. Shove finger. Throw up. Wash mouth. Repeat.

That's all I've been doing for the past two hours, my knees are bruised and my arms are giving out.

A part of me wants to stop, Maura's voice inside my head tells me that I'm just hurting myself, she yells at me and tries to knock some sense into my head while trying to make me understand that this isn't the solution, that this isn't the right thing to do.

I can still hear her sobbing and pleading me to wake up after I passed out when I overdosed; while I was unconscious I could see all the things I was leaving behind, the future that maybe, just _maybe_, I could have with Maura if I overcame this.

After I woke up she looked at me with so much pain in her eyes, that my usually still and cold heart clenched in a way that made me feel guilty; I shook that feeling off by hugging Maura and telling her that everything was going to be all right, and while she sobbed and trembled in my arms, I wondered how did I became such a skillful liar.

Little by little her voice is being silenced by another one –the part of me that incites me to continue, the part of me that will always be joined to _him_-, the one who tells me that I did this to myself and I deserve this, that I _need_ to do this.

He whispers in my ear all the things that I want to hear, like "If you do this, your Ma will love you again" or "Just once more Jane, and I'll leave you alone".

He doesn't stop there "Just shove your finger down your throat" she says "that way Dr. Isles will look at you like she looks at every single guy she's ever fucked"

I tighten my grip on the toilet when he mentions those fucking lucky bastards, the ones that get to feel Maura's body against them, making her moan in pleasure and turning her into a mess after she orgasms.

I do as he tells me, and as I shove my finger down my throat and empty all the contents inside the toilet, I hear him saying "Congratulations" while he pats me on the back "Keep going…"

"I can't concentrate when you talk" I mumble after I wash my mouth.

"It's not my fault that you're stupid" he smirks at me "No wonder Dr. Isles prefers all those men…" he disappears after I shake my head in frustration and get down on my knees again.

I can't help but think about all the things he said, which are now running wildly through my head, and I keep wondering if they are true…

Maybe they're and Maura's little voice that I hear in the background telling me to stop is the villain in this story…

…maybe she's trying to manipulate me into doing what she wants, like all those times she wanted to go shopping and with just a smile I'll be more than willingly to do it.

…maybe she's a witch, casting spells at me, making me her own puppet.

_But Maura doesn't believe in magic_, I think.

I sigh. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I stop battling with myself and shove my finger down my throat again, once I'm done I look down and notice that I have emptied all my contents and the only thing left is blood, red crimson blood that paints the water and is everywhere.

When I try to yell, I just choke on my own blood so I stand up as fast as I can and run to stand in front of the sink.

I turn on the faucet and start to rinse my mouth, trying to wash the awful taste of blood out of it.

Panting and gripping the sink as tightly as I can, I look up and stare at my reflection, at that stranger's body that I now happen to live in.

I can't help but notice the dark rings around my eyes, how they seem empty and out of life.

_Has Maura noticed them to?_, I can't help but wonder.

It's not until I take a deep breath that I notice that my whole body is shaking and that there's a little spot of blood in my right cheek.

"You're still fat" my reflection says, but the voice I hear is not my own, but Hoyt's "You're so ugly, so…" which then is Maura's voice "…_disgusting_" those words repeat over and over, sometimes accompanied by the occasional laugh.

Hoyt's laugh. Maura's laugh.

"Shut up…" my whisper is barely audible, I close my eyes and try to keep those words out of my head but I can't, it doesn't stops.

Now, I hear my Ma's voice telling me "I never wanted to have you; I should have killed you when I had the chance. You're just a waste of space"

"Shut up" I say while trying to keep my tears at bay

"You should just kill yourself" I hear Frankie whisper in my ear "Maybe that way the world will be a better place" he starts laughing.

"Shut up!" I yell, but they don't stop "I said shut up!" I fall into the ground and put my face between my knees.

My whole body is shaking and this time I don't stop the tears that fall from my eyes, the sobs start to take over my body, and I can't stop.

My heart is beating faster and my head is pounding.

"Shut up" I murmur every once in a while and stay that way for a while.

I don't know how much time has passed and part of me doesn't care, but I can deduce that it's around 8:00 p.m. because I can hear Maura's voice coming from down the hallway –I think she's on the phone- and I can hear the music coming from the living room, signaling that Ma has come to visit.

Slowly, I stand up and take a deep breath.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

This time, I only repeat those two actions.

I stretch a little, trying to calm the pain coming from my sore muscles, I gather myself together before washing my face, trying to erase the evidence of what I just did.

Carefully, I open the door and run to my room, but on my way I clash with Maura.

"Look where you're going" she glares at me with those hazel eyes that I've come to love and hate with time, I can tell she's stressed and tired, I can't blame her for snapping at me.

"I'm sorry" I mumble before walking away, but a hand on my shoulder stops me. I raise an eyebrow, silently asking '_What's the matter?_'

"You have some jelly…" she wipes something off my cheek "…here"

I freeze when I realize what she's about to do, a few seconds later she holds her thumb up for me to lick it clean.

She looks at me expectantly as I lick the "jelly" off her finger, I can't help but cringe at the taste and if she noticed, she didn't say a word.

We just stare at each other, getting lost in the other's eyes. In moments like this I forget all the pain and the anger that has settled in my chest, I can imagine that we're together and happy.

Tommy comes around the corner, breaking the trance that we were in. He smiles warmly at Maura and then smiles at me, but his smile is much colder than the one she gave to her.

I feel the jealousy burning up inside me, but I say nothing, just smile a little when Maura squeezes my hand before leaving me alone with my little brother

"Hey Janie" his voice sounds so much like Hoyt's at that moment, it makes me cringe.

"Tommy" I try to smile but the only thing that comes out is a frown, which deepens when he looks at me up and down.

"You have to be more careful with what and how you eat, we wouldn't want you getting fatter than you already are" he said before giving me of his 'fake' smiles and walking away.

I swallow the lump that was forming on my throat and run to the bathroom, locking the door before falling down to my knees in front of the toilet.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Shove finger. Throw up. Wash mouth. Repeat.

It seems like I'll be doing this all through the night.

I don't care though, because I know that in the end it'll be worth it…

…I'll be worth it.

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**Hope you liked it, see you soon.**

**(Follow me on Tumblr for updates and spoilers of some kind, or if you have some questions/ suggestions, or if you just want to talk about something [another-shipper . tumblr. com])**

***I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters), if I did Rizzles would be canon (more than it actually is)**


	4. A cut to break the vein

**Sorry for the delay guys. Here's the next chapter and I think the shortest one, I want to thank all of you who read, review and follow, have a nice day, I hope you enjoy it.**

**All the mistakes are mine and all that jazz**

**TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?), eating disorders (?), addiction, and yeah.**

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_**A cut to break the vein**_

I have been successful in not being caught puking my guts out every now and then, maybe it's the fact that I have been "opening" more to Maura, who for a really strange reason hasn't left my side, yet.

Almost every night I lay awake thinking of the reasons why Maura is still here.

-_I like Tommy a lot, but I love you-_. The memory seems so faint but is still lingering in my mind.

Does she love me?

Could she really love someone that is so broken that barely sees lights in her life?

"_She doesn't love you Janie" _Hoyt says with a smirk on his face

Maybe he's right.

"…But I love you" I hear Maura's voice in my head.

_Do you? Do you really love me like I love you?_ I want to ask her every time she utters those words, and then I want to kiss her, make love to her, just love her until the pain fades away.

"_But you can't"_ Hoyt mocks me

"Shut up" I say through gritted teeth while tightening my grip in the object that resides in my hand, ignoring the pain that comes with the action.

Just one more slice.

It's just blood.

My mind conjures the memory of all those times where Maura said that she found a 'reddish brown stain' refusing to acknowledge that it's blood until the lab confirms it.

Blood. It's something that is present in my body, there's no way that one little cut would make me bleed out, right?

He sees me in pain, but he doesn't help me. He doesn't help me die; he just stares at me silently, excitement and happiness written all over his face.

I can't bear him seeing me like this: a weak soul.

My hands begin to hurt and I make a small cut where the scars are, trying to stop the pain that is coming from them.

As I do it, I can feel Maura's hands in mine, massaging in a way that expresses so much love and care, trying to stop the pain that I feel.

I shake my head. I need to stop thinking about her; she's the one that stops me from dying.

"_She's your savior"_ Hoyt's voice mixed with mine echoes through the bathroom.

Red drops color my white t-shirt. It looks pretty and symbolic, it reflects my sincere pain.

Just one more cut.

I have many of them. On my arms, on my legs; that's why I started wearing long sleeved shirts, so Maura (and the rest of my so called family and friends) wouldn't notice.

My clothes hung loosely over my body, in the last three months…

Has it been already three months?

… I have lost so much weight. Maura is worried and she forces me to eat even when I don't want to, obviously I eat without complaining, which makes her happy.

"Why are you happy?" I ask her every once in a while

"Because you're trying" she smiles at me and for a moment everything stops.

"_Fool and naïve Dr. Isles"_ Hoyt says every time she smiles "_She doesn't know that you're just pretending to be okay"_ he laughs at me, at us _"Remember that love is a weakness Janie"_ and with that he disappears.

He is still watching me, enjoying my pain.

"_Where is your savior Jane?"_ he whispers in my ear "_Why isn't she here?"_

"I don't know" I whisper.

"_Maybe she's fucking your little brother"_ Hoyt giggles "_I have seen the way he looks at here, and I know you have seen it too" _he points out.

"You don't know what you're talking about" I tense before taking a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"_Oh, but I know… Maybe you should follow in my footsteps, that way Dr. Isles could be yours"_ he promises and for a moment it sounds so good that I briefly considered it.

"You're not like him Jane, you're a good person. A hero" Maura's voice whispers in my mind

"_She's lying Jane"_ Hoyt puts a hand in my shoulder "_She is manipulating you, playing with your feelings while she's fucking Tommy behind your back. Can't you hear them moaning in the background?"_

I shake my head.

Just one more cut, one more scar on my hatred skin. One more scar, one more drop of blood spilled on my t-shirt and on the bathroom floor. Like red flowers blooming…

The red flowers disappear whenever I clean it, I wouldn't like Maura to see them. She would ask me a lot of questions that I wouldn't answer.

Just one more cut.

I can't help but wonder why is she so worried about me, I feel fine; it's just a phase, something that I will surpass. It's nothing important.

Just one more cut.

Just once more.

Just one _last_ cut.

I'll soon be dead…

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**Hope you liked it, see you soon.**

**(Follow me on Tumblr for updates and spoilers of some kind, or if you have some questions/ suggestions, or if you just want to talk about something [another-shipper . tumblr. com])**

***I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters), if I did Rizzles would be canon (more than it actually is)**


	5. A smoke to ease the crave

**Sorry for the delay guys. I want to thank all of you who read, review and follow, have a nice day, I hope you enjoy it.**

**All the mistakes are mine and all that jazz**

**TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?), eating disorders (?), addiction, and yeah.**

* * *

_**A smoke to ease the crave**_

One week ago, I thought that I was going to die.

After cutting myself for God knows how long, before passing out my last coherent thought was _"I love you Maura, I'm so sorry"_ and the last thing I heard was Hoyt's voice saying "_Now we'll be together Jane, forever"_

Five days ago, I woke up to the soft cries of Maura and my left hand between hers.

When I opened my eyes, Maura gasped and tightened her hold on my hand; I tried to smile but it came out as a grimace, tears started running down her face and I noticed –not for the first time- that even when she cried she looked as beautiful as ever, her eyes shined in a way that had me captivated by the pain, sadness, happiness or whichever emotion that was laced with the tears that caressed her skin.

"Please don't cry" I said to her and I regretted it the moment those words fell from my lips.

I saw her face change, she was still crying but instead of finding sadness in her eyes, I found anger and hurt, she let go of my hand and stood up.

For the first time in months I notice how tense she's and for the life of me can't recall when did _my _Maura became _this _Maura; _this_ Maura that seems a shell of who she was-

Or maybe I'm the one who's a shell of herself? I don't know, maybe.

-Maura looks so…broken, the light that usually resided in her body is gone, she looks thinner and the clothes that usually hugged her body, showing off her assets, now seemed a little big and, strangely enough, she looked older.

Did I take her for granted? Was I too preoccupied in looking 'normal' that I overlooked the changes around me?

"Please don't cry?" Maura's angry voice pulled me out of my stupor "How can I not cry when two days ago I came home and found you bleeding out on the bathroom floor? I thought you were fine! I thought that you were getting better!"

I tried to say something but in the blink of an eye she was in front of me and punching me in the chest "You told me you were trying!" punch "You went back to work!" punch "You lied to me!" another punch "You asshole!" her punches were getting weaker each time and the sobbing started

"How could you do this to me?" this time she shoved me "How can you not see how much I care?" I wrapped my arms around her and didn't let go, hugging her tighter when she screamed "Don't touch me! Let me go!"

After a few minutes, she stopped fighting my grip and instead wrapped her arms around me, her head resting in the crook of my neck.

She cried for what seemed like hours, I ran my hand up and down her back in what I hoped to be a soothing way.

"_Oh, boo hoo" _Hoyt's voice made me tense instantly "_You made Dr. Isles cry"_

"Are you okay, Jane?" Maura asked.

_Wasn't I supposed to ask her that? _

"_She…"_ Hoyt began to say but I blocked him out.

I just nodded sadly "I'm sorry" I whispered when she broke the hug

"Why?"

"Because I made you cry"

She shook her head "No, why did you do it?"

"I don't know"

"You don't know?" she scoffed and the anger that had dissipated came back with fury "You are unbelievable Jane Rizzoli!"

"Maura, I just…"

"I have been more that patient with you, staying by your side all this time, trying to _help _you and you just say 'I don't know'" she started pacing across the room "I…"

_Why is she angry? Wasn't I supposed to be angry? Angry at her for not loving me, for leading me stray and doing God knows what with Tommy?_

"…and you can't see how much I care, how much I love you"

_What?_

Time seemed to stop as she stared _at_ me, her eyes connecting with mine in a way that I thought was impossible, a simple look that released a thousand butterflies in my stomach and made my heard stop.

"You love me?" I asked in a little voice.

"_I_ love you, Jane" she sat by my side "And I just don't understand what's going on inside your head" her hand found mine "Please let me help you"

"I don't need help" I frowned at the mention of help, I didn't need anyone's help, I was fine and Maura just couldn't see that.

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way" my face must have shown my discomfort but either she didn't notice or ignored it "If you pick the easy way, _we_'ll go to a therapist, sort everything out and no one knows about it, just you and me"

"I won't go to a therapist!" I snapped at her, retracting my hand from hers "I. AM. FINE!"

Maura took a deep breath and ignored me, again. "If you pick the hard way, I'll leave Jane" my heart clenched and a tear streamed down my face "I don't care if it kills me, but I just can't stand seeing you like this"

I shake my head as I roll it around my fingers, it feels _different_…but it was a good different.

Hoyt said that tobacco wouldn't do it for me anymore –yes, I had started smoking, Tommy said it would help me relax and the stress would leave my body in the blink of an eye.

But the relief I felt every time I took a drag would slowly disappear.

I believed him, so I searched for other alternatives.

They list of things I could smoke was long, but the one that is currently in my hands seemed the best option, or so he said.

I look at him and notice that he seems excited, he nods and says "_Do it, it will help you_"

I know better than to disobey him, so I take a drag; I choke and start coughing, he gives me a look that clearly says 'Again' and even if my throat is dry, I take another drag.

This time, I feel better…more confident and alert. I feel as if I could go outside and stay awake all through the night.

"_Good girl_" Hoyt grins before propping himself up and sitting on the table.

I can't help but smile at the compliment; this is exactly what I needed.

Thank God Maura is at the grocery store right now, she'd have a fit if she found me smoking.

"_Why do you care if she has a fit?_" Hoyt asks

"Because she stayed" he rolls his eyes at me "and I want to be better"

"_Let me guess, you want to be worthy of her love"_ he frowns "_Just keep smoking"_

The smoke that is coming out of my mouth and nose is slowly making my eyes blurry, I can only see from where I'm standing to the fridge- scratch that, I can only see him now. He is grinning like a Cheshire cat and inciting me to continue.

"What is this?" I ask with a frown on my face

"_Crack cocaine_" Hoyt answers before taking a drag, it's now that I notice that he has a pipe in his hands.

I never knew something could taste and make me feel this good. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I start feeling hot-it's so hot that I take off my shirt.

"_Nice boobs_" he mocks me, and I'm about to answer him when I hear another voice saying "_If I knew I would have to stare at you for a prolonged amount of time, I'd have bring a blindfold so I wouldn't have to see your stupid and gross body_"

Little by little the voices increase, they laugh at me, they mock me.

My body starts trembling, I don't know if it's because of the anger or the crack.

Trying to calm myself, I start opening and closing my hands, the scars hurt as if I had just gotten them.

I take a step closer to them- to the army of Hoyt's that came out of nowhere- I can hear my heart beating faster and faster at each step I take…I wonder if they can hear it too.

I face the Hoyt closer to me first, and before I know it my fist is up in the air, but instead of landing in his face, it lands on the wall; I can hear a crack but I can't feel the pain.

I can hear some laughs and it's all it takes to make me lunge at them.

I kick, I punch, tears streaming down my face.

I yell, they laugh, and they're everywhere.

Suddenly, I'm falling down; I try to brace myself from the fall but I can't…my body isn't responding to my commands.

I can't breathe, my body is shaking, and now they're looking down at me, some of them –the ones that look so much like Maura- are worried, others –the Tommy's- are laughing and the rest are just smiling.

Then I see his face, Hoyt's face, he's looking at me and I try to yell at him, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is a cough.

I turn my face a little and I see the pipe that I was using a few inches away from me, I try to grab it but someone kicks it away before I can do it.

I look back at him, he's smiling and I can see his lips moving, he's saying something but I can't hear him; I don't have time to panic before everything goes black.

* * *

**Hope you liked it, see you soon.**

**(Follow me on Tumblr for updates and spoilers of some kind, or if you have some questions/ suggestions, or if you just want to talk about something [another-shipper . tumblr. com])**

***I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters), if I did Rizzles would be canon (more than it actually is)**

**Ps. If you want a more fluffy (is that the word?) and less dramatic/angsty/sad Rizzles fic, go check out my new fic Color Me Surprised**


	6. A drink to win the game

**Sorry for the delay guys. I want to thank all of you who read, review and follow, have a nice day, I hope you enjoy it.**

**All the mistakes are mine and all that jazz**

**TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?), eating disorders (?), addiction, and yeah.**

* * *

_**A drink to win the game**_

After the last stunt I pulled, Maura broke.

I vaguely remember waking up and seeing Maura's angry (and concerned) face, I cannot recall what she yelled at me after I got up the floor, I just keep picturing the way Maura kicked the pipe and pushed me against the wall.

"Why?" tears streamed down her face

I just shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to block the image of a crying Maura off my mind, it never worked, every single time I closed my eyes I saw her beautiful and broken face, pleading me with her eyes to tell her 'Why?'.

_Why what?_ Why I hated myself? Why I loved her with all my heart? Why was I this way?

The answer was always the same "I don't know" I responded in a hoarse voice.

She slapped me the last time I said it, exactly five weeks ago.

In these past five weeks so many things have changed: I've been staying with Maura, got back to work under the condition of going to a therapist, going to said therapist two hours a day, three times a week; and my relationship with Maura took a really strange turn, we weren't girlfriends but we weren't the best friends we were before, somewhere along the way the line between love and friendship blurred.

Two weeks ago, in the midst of a fight she kissed me. Maura Isles _kissed_ me; after that we had sex in the kitchen (I refuse to call it 'making love'), the living room and her bedroom; that wasn't the only time we've done _it_, which leads me to where I was twenty minutes ago: at Dr. Gale's office.

I can't tolerate that guy, he's an annoying prick that hits on Maura every time we have joint therapy; he believes that he's God's gift to women and takes advantage of it, an if it weren't for the fact that he is an old 'friend' of Maura, I'd have been out of his stupid office in the blink of an eye.

There was also the fact that he was good at his job –not that I would ever admit it out loud- but he just loved to push my buttons, which is what happened today.

"Last session you told me there was a change in your relationship with Maura" his face was serious but I could see the glint on his eyes "Which happened two weeks ago, right?" at my nod, he continued "Why don't you tell me about it?"

I just stared at him, a frown adorning my face. "I don't want to tell you about it"

He let out a little laugh and shook his head "Well, let's talk about your old nemesis, Charles Hoyt" I immediately tensed "or maybe your old boyfriend Charles Jones"

I wanted to wipe that smug look off his face, he knew I hated referring to Casey as Charles, and thinking about Hoyt –and the similarities that he had with Casey. Did I mention that Casey is back?

"I don't want to talk about them" I said through clenched teeth.

"You never want to talk about them or Maura" he pointed out "Maybe you're just afraid"

"I'm not afraid" I glared at him, trying (but failing) not to show how easily he got into my nerves.

"Then how would you explain your reluctance to talk about people that made a huge impact in your life?" he wrote something on his notebook "This past weeks you have just talked about your family and how where you growing up, you don't talk about your job, your friends… the only thing you do is change the topic"

"I don't have time for this" I stood up and left the room, not looking back when he said "See you next week"

After I left, I went to the nearest liquor store and bought three bottles of tequila, two lay empty at the end of the couch and the other one is half empty now.

Wow. That was fast.

For a moment I expect Hoyt to appear out of nowhere, make a remark of how I drown my sorrows in alcohol, but he doesn't show, he hasn't been near since _the_ incident.

"Jane, I'm home" I hear Maura's voice coming from the door.

"Hey, babe" smiling when she's in front of me, I say "How you doin'?"

Maura scrunches her nose "Have you been drinking?"

"No…" I laugh as I take her hand, pulling her close to me "What do you say we repeat what happened yesterday?" I wiggle my eyebrows

"You've been drinking" she states with a frown on her face "I thought you were going to stop"

Have I mentioned that tequila has become my best friend these past weeks?

"Thasnottrue" I said, my words tumbling from my mouth in a rush of barely distinguishable syllables.

_God, even drunk I sound like Maura. _ I think while rolling my eyes and looking around for the other bottle of tequila "Where's the tequila?" I raise my arms and turn around in circled, stumbling forward and grabbing Maura for support.

"Jane, you need to stop" she grabs me by the shoulders, a frown adorning her face. "You promised"

I lean over to talk into her ear, Maura frowned and I start to believe that she can smell the tequila on my breath "I just love you so much!" then I start kissing her neck.

"Jane…" she sighs before pushing me away "We can't do this"

"Why?" I whine, tilting my head to the side "Y'like it"

"I'm sorry" Maura bites her lip before walking away

I stand there, slack-jawed and slumped over, for a long time before I say "You can't leave me, Maura!"

My words make her stop for a second, she doesn't turn around, but I see the way her shoulders tense. "Please don't" her whisper is barely audible, but I hear it anyways.

I walk up to where she is, my arms sneak around her waist, my front pressed against her back.

"C'mon babe" I whisper into her ear, one of my hands drawing lazy circles in her abdomen "I _want_ you, Maura"

"We can't, Jane" I feel her holding back, but that doesn't stop my hands from wandering around her body; a moan escapes her lips when my right hand grazes her breast.

"Your body says otherwise" are my last words before turning her around and pulling her into a kiss.

We kiss for a while, my hands roaming across her body and hers tangled in my hair; she knows it drives me crazy when she does it.

_Let me make love to you_, are the words that nearly fall out of my mouth, but I can't do it, it'd ruin everything; not even with a high amount of alcohol in my body should those words come from me.

"Please, Jane" Maura whispers before pulling me with her, our mouths still attached to each other. _"Love me…"_

* * *

**We're nearing the end, there's going to be one or maybe two chapters left.**

**(Follow me on Tumblr for updates and spoilers of some kind, or if you have some questions/ suggestions, or if you just want to talk about something [another-shipper . tumblr. com])**

***I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters), if I did Rizzles would be canon (more than it actually is)**

**Ps. If you want a more fluffy (is that the word?) and less dramatic/angsty/sad Rizzles fic, go check out my new fic Color Me Surprised (I'm currently working on chapter two) or if you want something sad, read my one-shot Getting Ready (which may or may not have more chapters in the near future, we'll see)**


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